Citizens of Villanova, take heed! A new team of super villains has been making headlines in New Village Daily, and just in time for midterms! Their latest campaign, deemed Midterm Mayhem, could be catastrophic! With the aid of eyewitnesses, detectives and field reporters, we have been able to compile the following profiles. If you happen upon any of these devious criminals, be cautious. They are dangerous and powerful!
Mystique’s weapon of choice is mystery. When, exactly, is this paper due? Will there be a midterm exam? Will there be additional assignments waiting in my email the night before class? Is this Blackboard folder invisible? This Blackboard folder has got to be invisible; it’s nowhere to be found …
Professor Wut? and Sidekick Obscura
Professor Wut? is particularly talented at saying many things while saying nothing at all. Obscura’s signature follow-up moves are dropping the names of long-dead philosophers and using archaic vocabulary. His infamous taunt—You don’t know this? How do you not know this?—leaves permanent injury to the ego.
Doctor Curve’s ironic moniker is a testament to his particularly cruel weapon of psychological warfare: the refusal of the Curve. Even dastardlier, his method of attack is a one-two punch. His assessments never match his lessons! Detectives say that more than half of his questions are statistically proven unfair, but Public Safety has evidence that never in his career has Doctor Curve thrown out a question.
Reported to have menacingly bellowed, “You are not ivy league material. You will NEVER be ivy league material!” into a crowd of prospective high school students. One kid left crying.
Nobody remembers a time when Tenurus did not inhabit the Office at the Top of the Stairs, nor a time when Tenurus did not eschew department dress code. He seems harmless, according to witnesses, but beware the influence of his wisdom—Public Safety warns: Tenurus is far along in training his army of adjuncts for campus domination, and soon … the WORLD!
But fear not for your safety, oh citizens! The Library is here to help you slay the forces of evil! We have all the resources you need to fight the Midterm Mayhem and all the quiet study space you’ll need to train. We want YOU to call/chat/email our ranks of Library Liberators, and we’ll give you everything you need to succeed!
Warning compiled by Michelle Callaghan, graduate assistant for the Communication and Service Promotion team. This post is meant for humor purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not read while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. Please remain seated until the ride has come to a complete sto–